I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Randomize
