Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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