I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So here I am, sexting at work.
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