You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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