Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm like, not good at living.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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