P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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