I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
