he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
