so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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