I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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