forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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