I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
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