You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
