My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
