i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
