I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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