I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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