At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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