whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
