when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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