I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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