I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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