Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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