i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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