I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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