can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
