I'm going to jail i love you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
