I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
