I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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