I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
