I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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