cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
