I'm drive I can fine osifer
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
