i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
bring money and cleavage
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
