went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you had me at cake vodka
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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