Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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