I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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