They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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