Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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