her vagina looked like bernie madoff
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
