I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.đź’¨
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
