everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
