My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
