I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
