dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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