Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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