If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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