There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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