Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Operation Purity has been aborted
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
