I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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