I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
