1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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