I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
