How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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